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5 Things J.J. Abrams Must Bring to Star Wars to Make it Epic

I eat, sleep and drink Star Wars. I have numerous tattoos, and even named my boat “death star” and sank it. That’s how deep Star Wars is embedded into my rock hard body. With the news of J.J. Abrams directing the newest addition to the Star Wars saga, I find myself worried that this could just be another load of feces on my dreams. Will Disney jump out of the bushes, tear down my Empire Strikes Back panties and rape my dreams?

Well, here are the 5 things Abrams has to do in order to keep my mind-anus intact.

1. The phantom menace must be explained as a dream Obi-Wan was having when he fell asleep while dropping a force deuce. A large bowel movement wakes him up and that’s the beginning of episode 2. 

2. Boba Fett escapes the Sarlaac pit with nothing but his helmet. Just a 15 minute scene of him running through the desert  with his beans and frank flopping around to a masterful score by John Williams.

3. Luke and Leia have a lightsaber duel over who gets to keep dads house.

4. The U.S.S. Enterprise travels back to the time “Long Ago” to the location “Far Far Away”. Once Kirk and Spock get off the ship, Luke force chokes the shit out of them before banging Uhura. Then finally, after he’s force bukkakes her, he kills the entire crew brutally with his lightsaber, settling this Star Wars Vs. Star Trek bullshit once and for all.

5. Wookie Sex. I’m talking all out, furry, nasty, wookie orgy. Just a wide shot of Chewbaccas living room covered in slutty, growling Wookie sluts. This will be a perfect way to show how the traumas he endured caused him to turn to Wookie Nookie.

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