DAPS CLASSICS: Cat Ladies
HOORAY! It’s Classic DAPS time kids!! This means read the nonsense Chris and Carlo printed when DAPS was a section in an official college newspaper.
It’s a rainy Sunday night, Chris and Carlo decide to meet up at Starbucks with the intention of writing their newest Banner ‘Article.’
As usual, Carlo is waiting patiently for Chris, who is currently 27 minutes late. Chris walks in excitedly, shaking something in his right hand.
“Check it out Carlo, Get this!” said Chris. “Cinnamon Sun Chips!”
“I dunno man, sweet Sun Chips?” questions Carlo. “That doesn’t sound too appetizing.” Chris opens the bag and Carlo reaches in for a few chips. He then puts one, hesitantly in his mouth. His eyes widen and knees grow weak.
“Oh my God in Heaven, this is almost better than Vitamin Energy by GlacÃ©au.” exclaims Carlo.
“They’re good, but lets not get carried away.” responded Chris, quickly and sternly.
“You ready to write?” asked Carlo, taking a hand full of chips and putting them on his notepad.
“I don’t know man…I’ve been having cat problems again.” replied Chris in a somber voice.
“Again? I’m sorry to hear that. Is it Mr. Whiskers?” asked Carlo.
“No, but he is back on dry food again.”
“Great to hear that. Rob Volpe?”
“Then who is it?”
“It’s Samuel L. Catson,” said Chris. “He’s does this thing where every time I leave a glass of water out, he tries to drink from it. Sometimes he can’t reach it, so he knocks it over.”
“Oh, I completely understand Chris,” said Carlo. “My little Zoey does the same thing. Every time I turn around, I’m cleaning up a mess.”
“But the queer part was that I had left a glass of 1973 Beaune Clos des Mouches Joseph Drouhin,” said Chris. “He ended up drinking the whole glass.”
“That’s a shame,” said Carlo. “That was a great year for Joseph Drouhin. That Particular grape won best wine of 1986.”
“I know!” said Chris. “I had to bring Sam Catson to the vet, and now his friend is a complete wreck.”
“Yes! Ashley is so distraught she stopped using the litter pan all together,” said Chris.
“I had an Uncle who had the same problem,” said Carlo. “He was old though.”
“Do you know if they make cat diapers?” asked Chris.
“I’m sure they do,” said Carlo. “You should check eBay., and if that doesn’t work…make one out of felt and bobby pins.”
“Would velour be okay? Ashley Tisdale has a sensitive bottom,” asked Chris.
“No, velour would be too difficult to clean,” said Carlo.
“Well that’s not even the biggest of my problems,” said Chris. “Ashley is setting a bad example for the other kitties and just yesterday Obi-Ben Catnobi erased everything on my DVR and recorded 37 hours of Judge Joe Brown, Judge Judy, Judge Hatchett, Judge Mathis, Judge Mills Lane, and the Steve Wilkos Show.”
“He’s got his own show now?” asked Carlo.
“Yeah it’s really good,” replied Chris.
“Who would have thought,” said Carlo.
“Yeah, he yells at pedophiles and stuff,” said Chris.
“My friend Brendan has just patented a prototype blow up sex doll that looks like a baby,” said Carlo.
“That’s a great idea!” said Chris. “You, me, Brendan and Obi-Ben Catnobi, should go on the Steve Wilkos show and share our experiences.”
“Should we wait for Samuel L. Catson to get out of the vet before we go?” asked Carlo.
“Oh….right. I totally forgot about him,” said Chris. “Oh, did I mention to you about Kate Shepard?”
“No,” said Carlo. “What is the matter with my sweet little Kate?”
“She has developed excema,” said Chris.
“Oh, pity,” said Carlo. “From fleas?”
“I think it’s a side effect from the cocktail of Edronax, Cymbalta, and Paxil I’ve been giving her,” said Chris.
“Has she been feeling down lately?” asked Carlo.
“Well she stopped eating,” said Chris.
“Typical sign of depression,” said Carlo.
“I had her on Zoloft for a while…” said Chris.
“Well there you go,” said Carlo, interrupting. “You don’t need to put your cats on pills Chris. Every time you have a problem with a cat you pump pills into them, but don’t you see you need another pill to treat the side effects? Why don’t you look into natural herbal cures for these problems and not just treat them with these pills. Your cats end up dependent on the pills, thinking that they actually work, but they really just hide the problem until the next dosage is needed.”
“Did you eat all of the Cinnamon Sun chips?” asked Chris.
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! I WAS SAVING THOSE FOR CLEMENTINE BORISHNIKOV, YOU WHERE’S WALDO LOOKING BASTARD! DON’T YOU HAVE ANY CONSIDERATION FOR OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR CATS? WHAT KIND OF UPBRINGING DID YOU HAVE? YOU NO-BRAINED GOOD-FOR-NOTHING NOGOODNIK!”
“I’m sorry,” said Carlo. “We got this letter to answer…”
“Alright fine, Let’s do that now,” said Chris.
Editor’s Note: Check out all of the classic DAPS on Augiemania.com