Five 90’s Cartoon Characters That Could Fix The BP Oil Spill
Because we at DAPS cares so much about the recent BP oil spill nostalgia; we asked ourselves a very important question: “If we were still 7 years old, who would we call upon to assist in the clean-up?”
Naturally, every answer would include cartoons, right? Well, Here are the five 90’s cartoon characters that we feel would be best suited to clean up all of that nasty oil.
Editor’s Note: By the way, how’s your Hummer doing?
Using General Snozzie to sniff out the oil spill, with a call of “blathering blatherskite,” Gizmoduck would spring into action, doing…well, I don’t quite know. Yeah, he’s got gizmos and such (hence gizmoduck), but chances are he would bumble things up something bad. Although he could use a gizmovac to suck-up all the oil, he would still doom all of humanity by sucking up all the water as well. Good job, you glorified Inspector Gadget/duck hybrid.
Pfft, who else could possibly be any more qualified than Captain Planet? Sure, maybe that dickhead with the fire ring could burn-off the oil or that Indian kid with the love ring could have used his glorified cell-phone to call someone better to get the job done, but the best bet would be for all of those kids to stop being so goddamn selfish with their powers, combine them, and get Captain Planet on the case. Sure, he would bore your ear off with some long-winded speech about saving the blah blah blah, but at least he’d take care of the oil spill too.
Apart from scaring small children with her dead eyes and shiny suit, Storm could easily summon the wind to separate the oil from the water and shoot the oil into space where it would fly towards the sun and cause eye-poppingly glorious solar flares. While this wouldn’t fix the fact that the pipe still wouldn’t be shut and oil would still be shooting out of it, at least it would look fucking cool. YouTube hits through the roof!
What happens when two of the greatest heroes combine their forces to tackle the oil spill? I have no idea; but I do know what would happen if two of the most-bumbling superheroes took it on: chaos! While there’s a small no chance this would turn out well, with all other options exhausted, America would have to fall back on summoning these two to get the job done. Unfortunately, all that would remain would be the charred remains of planet Earth, oil floating into space, and the echoing howls of someone yelling “Spoon!” and a bad Jerry Lewis impression.
The most surprisingly-logical choice, Mr. Freeze wouldn’t actually be able to clean-up the spill, but rather freeze the broken pipe long enough for us to fix it. America would owe Freeze a great debt, but would still keep his wife frozen (ya know? Because 90’s cartoon continuity is repetitive and we don’t want to break the cycle.) Besides, let’s be honest, he still owes us much more than fixing an oil pipe for putting us through Batman and Robin.
Wanna be a real superhero? A charity called Matter Of Trust Matter Of Trust donates hair to the oil relief to aid in the cleanup effort (as well as decided to name themselves after a Billy Joel song?). So go there, check out their creepy-ass pic of hair bundles, then donate your own to help the cause. Do it.
*Photoshops by Carlo