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Ode To The Morning Poop

Gross Poop

Let me begin with a disclaimer: the following is not for the faint of heart, the first poop of the day will be discussed at great length. This includes, the how, when, where and why of the morning trip to the restroom. Be aware that what you are about to read was written with the general assumption that everyone goes to the bathroom in the morning. Despite the fact that this deals greatly with defecation, this is very serious and should be taken into consideration as one of the most brilliant fecal related documents to have ever been put into words.

To assure that we won’t get ahead of ourselves, let’s start at the beginning… there are many contributing factors to the first poop of the day as I’m sure you’ve all come to realize through the years. However, these factors may of course vary given the shitter in question. First and foremost, if you’re a midnight snacker, there is a large likelihood that your body did a bit of digesting while you were off in dreamland. This will inevitably leave a slight impression on you when you wake up in the morning providing you with the minor inclination of a poop on the way. This factor is even more prevalent if the night before you had been drinking to the point of losing vision or trying to make out with your sister, not to mention the drunk munchies in which you eat the most atrociously greasy food to sop up the booze right before calling it a night. Next up, the shower, the nice warm water washing over your body indirectly releasing tension from your midsection and stirring up that morning batch of goodness just enough to put a metaphorical fire under your ass. For the smokers out there, that first cigarette, no matter how crucial it is to you not punching the first person you see in the face will encourage an almost immediate bowel movement. Last, but certainly not least, coffee, the caffeinated beverage that many require in the morning to pulse through their veins giving them that necessary extra burst in the morning is a surefire way to get your stomach to beat the hell out of itself.

When the monumental poop finally splashes joyfully into the bacteria ridden water beneath the two planets of meaty flesh known as your ass, it’s like the start of a brand new day. The release makes the clouds part, a choir of angels sing from the heavens, cartoon birds twitter and fly around you and sing along and the sun will shine brightly as you rise and spin around delighted with your pants still around your ankles. Also to be compared with New Years’ Eve, Times Square where when the final turd drops, you expect confetti and balloons to fall from the sky while millions of people sing, applaud wildly and cry with overwhelming happiness and hope for the future. This brand of crap is typically a good sign, suggesting a good day ahead, with little obstacles or aggravation, however, there is always the dark side.

How can one enjoy their day if it opens with a crap that makes you damn near pass out? For instance, if the first crap of the day is one where you expect a glorious and epic trip to the toilet only to be disappointed by a single fart that ends up as an atomic blast that looks more like vomit than a dump. Even worse is if you get interrupted. When you’re in the middle of a nice tasteful deuce and someone ruins it by knocking. A step further is when the person jiggles the handle, then noticing that the room is occupied will knock anyway as if this will encourage me to push it out faster potentially bringing on great pain. I consider this to be the ultimate in inconsiderate behavior. I’d rather have my ex-girlfriend show up at my wedding reception then have someone trying to infiltrate my pooping experience. Any situation like this will ruin your day, whether it be an evil interruption or violent diarrhea… the first poop of the day pretty much dictates your mood for quite some time, especially if it is far from pleasant.

Also taken into account must be the repercussions of defecating while at work. Many questions race through your head as you pay homage to your porcelain god of the morning. Will this poop smell? Is someone going to come in, knock, pick the stall right next to yours? If there is someone in the bathroom already, what if you fart really loud, have a major plunker or let out a grunt that could wake the dead? Being outed as the vile human depositing stinky nuggets like clockwork every morning immediately after saying ‘good morning’ to bosses and coworkers so cheerfully. Only to later find them waiting outside the bathroom door to see who’s responsible for the smell leaking out the bottom of the door is without a doubt is like being next in line on death row.

There are also the early morning shitters, who beat the buzzer so to speak and will be woken up by their screaming asshole rather than their alarm clock… rushing to the bathroom in a race against time, barely getting their pants past their ass cheeks before the beast is released. Then there is the proactive crapper who will wake up, run the shower, crap, carelessly wipe leaving the rest up to the shower head to wash away any remaining dingle berries or clingers. Another breed of shower people is those who will bathe, then defecate so heinously that it warrants a second run in the shower, throwing off your own schedule and the schedule of those you share your bathroom with. For the record, responses to this piece are strongly welcomed because everyone poops differently and I don’t have the time or the patience to get into things such as the floater, the corn poop, the phantom shit, the spin art poop, the rabbit turds, the coiled cobra and a plethora of other craps I’m sure you’ve come to hear about around the water cooler.

In an attempt to determine the path to the first poop of the day, I decided to take a poll. This leads to the 7 phases leading to the poop which I like to call, ‘Defecation Consciousness’:

Phase 1:
The grumbling stomach: This is a general symbol of your stomach singing you some Buffalo Springfield, ‘there’s something happenin’ here, what it is, ain’t exactly clear.’

Phase 2:
Stomach pains/cramps: When you feel so full that you think your stomach looks like the girls’ in high school who was 5 months pregnant. She thought no one knew, but we knew… and we all laughed at her.

Phase 3:
Farts: When gas starts coming out, it’s a telltale sign that something else will soon follow. Classic lightning following thunder scenario here but the thunder smells and the lightning is last night’s lasagna.

Phase 4:
Oh no, Phase 1-3: When you’re stomach grumbles, is in pain, and you’re farting… the mother load is right around the corner.

Phase 5:
Wet farts: When those farts turn moist, it’s most beneficial for your underpants that you make your way to the nearest toilet bowl.

Phase 6:
Turtlehead: If you’ve reached this point and aren’t within 5-10 feet of the toilet, I hope you have good cheek muscles to clench that little bastard off until you can waddle yourself over to the crapper.

Phase 7:
If you’ve reached this stage, you’ve either sharted (farting when a little poop comes out) or full out fecalated in your pants. Be embarrassed because this went out of style in the 2nd grade.

As a regular commuter to work, I’ve grown accustomed to the trials and tribulations of a questionable stomach while in mass transit. I’ve always noticed that when you leave your home and turn the lock in the door your stomach almost always grumbles (phase 1). It is at this point that you are at a serious crossroads, either reenter your home to squeeze it out and play it safe… or put all your chips in one basket and be on your way praying for the first time since your communion. It is usually on the first length of your commute that you enter phase two. From there on out it is a classic game of clenched ass cheeks and crossed fingers. One of the ironies of the tension created by having to poop whilst commuting to work or school or whatever is that if you spot an attractive person, whom is so attractive you’d never have the nerve to address in a social setting, is probably facing the same exact problem as you are. No matter how good looking, sophisticated, successful the person sitting across from you may be, while you’re sitting there moderately uncomfortable in your Phase 2 setting, for all you know they could be holding it in at Phase 5 or 6 in fear of a public explosion or cherishing the thoughts of sweet relief.

I’ll close with some pieces of advice. First of all, sometimes toilet paper doesn’t cut it and baby wipes can be your best friend. Be courteous and utilize the courtesy flush, if you can smell it, the guy who’s next will be able to as well. There’s nothing wrong with the “Come Check This Out” poop where you feel your toilet treasure is so amazing you want to share it with friends and family, just pick your audience wisely, some people are far from interested. If no one good is around, use modern technology and send a Pix Message to an old college buddy. And finally, don’t be quick to judge people that are different because it’s hard to wipe your ass if you have lobster claws for hands.

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