The Ultimate DAPS Guide To Drinking In Class
Drinking makes everything better. Sporting events, barbecues, holidays, and even school become a totally different animal once some happy juice is added to the mix. Today we’re going to concentrate on enhancing that boring class you have by inserting booze. Sounds like fun, right?
Now, much of what I’m going to suggest assumes that your professors allow you to stay hydrated during their classes. If they don’t, they’re probably Nazi bastards and you should drop their courses asap. Who the hell are they to keep you from that sweet sweet brisk iced tea or refreshing Dasani water?
Anywho, I’m also assuming that you’re all of legal drinking age, so you’re all in college. Right? If not, stop reading and call your mom to let her know you have a serious problem.
Now that the youngins are gone, we can begin.
Here are some basic rules that you should abide by to keep your drinking in class experience a happy one without the plight of being caught.
- Drinking in class works best in large classrooms with lots of people, specifically lectures in a great big lecture hall. Attempting this in a small classroom is for the bigger risk-takers out there.
- Sit near the back of the room. No matter how much gum you chew, people will smell the booze on your breath.
- Sit low in your chair, but not so much that you’re obviously lounging.
- Relaxing is important though. This isn’t party drinking, there will be no keg-stands on the teacher’s desk, because duh. You wanna be chill and let the buzz lift you until the class lets out.
- Raise your hand and answer a question or two early, before you’re too blasted. Getting this out of the way is key. You’ve participated in class and the professor will probably leave you alone for the rest of the class.
- Have all of your books out as if you were paying attention normally. You’ll probably be thinking of 7-Eleven nachos or sex or something, but that Biology textbook screams “I like learning and I’m doing that now!”
- If you get called on to read or something, don’t get paranoid, just do whatever you’re asked slowly and as naturally as possible. Unless you’re a Big Gulp jack and coke in, they’ll probably never find out you’re drunk.
- If you get called on to speak in front of the class, make sure not to get too close to the teacher.
- Walk slowly if you have to walk.
- Try not to walk anywhere.
- Don’t drink so much that you can’t act natural. Know your limits or don’t play.
- Don’t drink so much that you “break the seal” and need to take multiple bathroom breaks.
- Sit close to an open window if possible, the incoming breeze will be enough to keep you on your toes.
- Don’t snack on anything as you drink, it’ll bring too much attention to your charade.
- Always keep your booze concealed. Don’t be a hero.
How are you supposed to keep your booze concealed? There’s always the obvious pouring Jack Daniels or Bacardi into a 20oz Coke or Pepsi bottle, vodka or gin into a 7-Up, Mountain Dew or Sprite, and Captain Morgan into a bottle of ginger ale. I’d recommend only doing mixers, because drinking 20oz of vodka is going to get you too drunk to pull off any kind of emergency. If you chose to go that route, godspeed my son.
If you want to be a real secret agent man, use a can. Nobody ever assumes a can of soda will have booze in it. Obviously, you’ll have to drink enough of the soda to pour the booze in… presumably at home, possibly in the school bathroom.
For all of you people who don’t drink the hard stuff, you can still party. Don’t worry. In a pinch, extra-large coffee cups from 7-Eleven can hold 2 beers or a tall boy. Just pour the beer in and act like you’re just getting your daily dose of caffeine. You can also trick everyone with this fancy beer in a McDonald’s cup trick. They’ll all think you’re getting diabetes, when you’re really getting crunk. (People still say crunk, right?)
If your professor is one of those Nazis I mentioned earlier, there’s only one option. Pregame the class. I’ve done this successfully, you just need to keep it real cool and pick your spot. If you choose a day that the entire class is giving presentations, and you’re giving yours last, you can be completely schwastey and nobody will be the wiser.
For more ideas, not all of which I recommend for drinking in class, check out this slideshow from Complex.
Editor’s Note: If this is all obvious to you, congrats on being an alcoholic. This is what we wanted to write about today, so fuck off, or like, check out the other quality posts on the site!